Dying
by TwoStepsBehind
Summary: I am Elizabeth Grey and this is how I spend most of my days. Thinking. Remembering. Regretting. Loving. Dying. Oneshot. Thoughts of the girl that Sirius Black left behind.


**A/N:** I have always thought that Dying would be a very appropriate song for the girl that Sirius Black must have left behind when he was taken to Azkaban. So here is the story.

Read, enjoy and review.

**Disclaimer: **I own none of this but the plot and my oc.

The song is by Five for fighting.

The characters that you recognize are owned by J.K. Rowling.

Dying.

_Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock._

Another ten minutes.

_Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock._

Another nine minutes.

_Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock._

Finally, finally the alarm rings.

With that, Liz rolled over, reached across her bed and switched off her alarm.

She lay back, thinking.

Twelve years. For twelve years she had slept alone, not counting those rare times when the loneliness got to her and she just had to go searching for someone in the bar, and for all the those twelve years she had kept the alarm on the other side of the bed.

Why? Just because for those two years that she lived with _him_the alarm was always on _his_side. (She wasn't much of a morning person so _he_ had taken it upon himself to wake her up every morning). Great! Least today she started to think about _him_ approximately 3 minutes after getting up.

Progress, she thought dryly, getting out of the bed in the process.

**I'm Dying, Dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again **

**I'm Dying, Dying to forget about you, that you ever lived**

"Twelve years. Twelve damn years. Name one day when you got up without thinking about _him_ a couple of seconds after opening your eyes. Heck you still sleep with the alarm on the other side, thinking, in fact praying for _him_ to be there to turn it off like _he_ used too. Note to self: must stop talking to self like that. Doesn't seem to be working 'cause I'm still doing it. Argh, who cares?" Frustrated, she flung the hairbrush she was using to comb her waist length black hair back on the vanity and almost knocked off the photograph that was placed there. Tears filled her vivid blue eyes as she looked at the photograph; it was their first photograph as a couple. There he was, all tall and handsome with his arms around her waist; his black hair elegantly falling into his laughing blue-grey eyes, smiling that half sincere half mischievous smile into the camera. Who cares, she thought again, a single tear trickling down her cheek.

He did.

He loved her.

He always had.

A lot.

No wonder he kept the alarm on his side, 'cause Sirius Black wasn't a morning person himself.

**There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest  
I'm Dying to live without you again **

Twelve years. I haven't moved on. With that she forced her legs into her old, favourite pair of jeans. Twelve years. I still can't come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to see him again, I'm never going to hold his hand again, never going to feel his arms around me again, I'm never going to kiss him again, never be with him, in his presence. It kills me. With that she shoved her arms through the sleeves of her navy blue t-shirt and pulled the top over her head. I hated not knowing things, and now knowing the fact that I'll never be with him again, it just makes my insides curl up into a ball so it will be easy for me to puke them out. She zipped up her boots, grabbed her keys and shut the door behind her.

"Take care of yourself, honey. I'll miss you." A young tearful blonde was clinging to what looked like her boyfriend (there were no wedding bands, Liz noticed) outside the elevator. (Liz hadn't bothered to really socialize with her neighbours. It was the occasional "Hi. Bye" thing.) The boyfriend looked torn between telling her off for what he thought was unnecessary over-affection (so did Liz) and not saying something incase it might hurt her. In the end he settled for something that would both pacify her and not sound too rude, "Relax, sweetie. (Liz: _Sweetie_! Seriously. gag) I'm only going for a day, I'll see you tomorrow. I love you." With that he stepped into the elevator with Liz and gave her a half embarrassed, half exasperated smile.

All those times that he went on missions for the Order, not knowing when he would return, would he return or not. During those times, sleep wasn't something that came easily; sometimes during tough missions it skipped her completely. She would sit on the couch; listen to music, waiting for him, silently praying to whatever higher power for everything to be normal, for nothing to go wrong. She knew that if he didn't come back, that if things went wrong then she would never be right again.

His one act had ended her world, her best friend was dead; the man that was like a brother to her was dead too; another brother-like figure was destroyed in a way she couldn't even begin to explain; she couldn't look at her god-son without the guilt choking her up. Sometimes I wish I had never known _him, _never fallen in love with _him_. Least I would have been spared this pain, this gripping loneliness that threatens to consume me sometimes.__

**I'm Dying, Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me.**

"Come on, Lizzie, let's get out of here. I'm dying to do something else; a small distraction for a little while would be super. The work is getting to me. Oh, I know lets go bowling", said one of Lizzie's colleagues and a relatively good friend, Sandra McDowell. Little did she know that the work _was _a small distraction for Lizzie, the only time when she wasn't constantly thinking of _him_.

I tried everything, from alcohol to yoga and meditation. Heck you were a distraction for me; help me loosen up when the work threatened to swallow me up, rather when I'd let the work swallow me; I remember all those times when you'd barge into the common room, snatch away the book I was studying from or reading and take me out into the sun or rain or snow, just to be with me, making me forget everything else… Finding a substitute; a distraction; something to get you out of my head; not possible.

She sighed, "I can't I have to scrub in for a surgery in 20 minutes and then I have clinic duty. I'm sorry."

What did you do to me Sirius?

_  
_**I'm Dying, Dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see**_   
_** It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent  
I'm Dying to live without you again**

Walking around in Hyde Park where we spent so much time, I can't help but think about _him_.

About us.

Fate can be so cruel sometimes. We never got to explore our relationship. I never got to know where this love would lead me. One day he was asking me to marry me…

We were sitting on the window seat; him, leaning against the wall and me, up against him. It was pouring outside and we were wrapped in a blanket, a merry fire in the fire-place. It was a companionable silence, one of the many we shared, and he abruptly started talking.

"I know it's too soon and we are too young. But in times like these you can't be sure that you will have a lot of time on your hands, so why leave things unfinished?" I turn around to look at him, his eyes are unreadable. "I'm not sure, Laye that I will be here tomorrow," I try to interrupt him but he rushes on. "The one thing I'm sure of is that you make me happier than I ever thought I could be and if you give me a chance I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. I love you Laye, will you marry me?" Saying this, he pulled out a navy blue jewellery box and opened it. The ring was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. It was a white gold band with a huge diamond set into the centre, flanked by two crescent shaped sapphires. I looked up to him and I realized I had never seen Sirius so serious before (no pun intended). I saw the familiar handsome face with the hair falling casually but elegantly into his eyes. His eyes. They had always captivated me; grey with flecks of blue; mischief was always reflected in those eyes; cheerfulness; but today, today there was no mischief, no cheerfulness, only love and seriousness. And I knew, that he was telling the truth, that he really loved me the way I love him. Not knowing what to say I just looking into his eyes and something passed between us and he understood that I had agreed. He slipped the ring onto my finger, and then he kissed me.

…. And another day he was being shipped off to Azkaban and I had to live with the fact that I was never going to see 3 of the most important people in my life again. I couldn't face Remus and baby Harry after that day.

But I never got to live that life again; I stopped living after that day. All I did was relive the past, live IN the past.

Will that ever change?__

**The first time you left I said goodbye  
Now there's not a prayer that can survive**

I see a couple, sitting in the bench, talking, arguing. Before I know it the girl gets up and walks off, crying. Oh, a break-up.

We had broken up once. The summer after my sixth year (we started dating in my sixth and his seventh year) we had broken up, for some incredibly stupid reason. So you might have already guessed that it was all his idea. Sirius Black was always this incredibly smart, usually cool tempered (unless he was in Peter's company or there were Slytherins in the vicinity) kind of guy. But one fine day, he got jealous of me talking to Andrew, a fellow Gryffindor, who had asked me out but I had turned him down since I was dating Sirius. We decided to be friends, but Sirius got jealous and asked me to choose. One thing led to another and the next thing I knew it was over. I spent half that summer getting over him, and I almost succeeded. But then he decided to come back and I could tell that he was sincere, and I fell in love with him again, even more so than before.

And now, I can't fall out of it. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try. __

**Dying, Dying to die just to come back so we can meet again **

As I eat dinner, all by myself, cutting the steak with my knife, I think about slitting my wrists with it. I think about dying. Dying would mean re-living; re-living would mean I could meet him again. Do things all over again.

I' do anything to go back to the day I ran into him; anything to kiss him for the first time all over again; anything to live those four years again; anything to fall in love with him all over again, keep dying and living my life till the day it all fell apart, over and over again.

**  
Dying, Dying to say what I always should have said**

As I set the alarm, put it in its usual place, and get into bed, I can't help but think of all the things I should have said to him. I was hesitant to tell him a simple, "I love you" for some reason and he; Sirius Black, who didn't show off his feelings would always say it, even when he was with his friends. I never told him that he gave me hope; he made me feel protected; loved. No matter how cheesy it sounded when Tom Cruise said it to ReneeZellweger in Jerry Maguire, he did in fact complete me, and I never told him.

Since I never got to tell him, I remove the book and write all of this down. Every night I write down stuff I should have told him. Things I want to tell him. (My way of keeping conversations with him, only he won't answer. I like to think he is sleeping.)

Every night it's the same thing.

It never changes.

**  
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this  
As long as there's a breath... **

The reason I can't move on is because somewhere deep inside I still have hope. Hope. Damn it, I still believe that he is innocent and that he will come home someday; that we will have the future someday. I know, I can't get any stupider than this.

**  
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again**

It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this  
As long as there's a breath...

I'm Dying and I can't live without you  
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

I am just about to fall asleep and I think, I'm Dying and I want to live without him againand then right before I fall asleep I think, that's not possible anymore. He is a part of me now, a part of my past. And if I don't think of him, if I don't live in it, then where will I live? What is left for me then?

To live without him, is something I cannot dream of anymore.

I am Elizabeth Grey and this is how I spend most of my days.

Thinking.

Remembering.

Regretting.

Loving.

Dying.

_  
_**A/N: **I know its crap. But I've this idea in my head for a long time now. And I just had to get it out. Do tell me how bad you think it sucked. Thanks.


End file.
